Most people have a difficult relationship with their body and their body image, – how they feel about their body, and in their body. Whilst Mond et al. found that 86.9% of women reported dissatisfaction with their weight or shape, we know that men struggle too. Not being skinny enough, or ‘good enough’ compared to media images. A negative body image lowers mood and self-esteem, and can profoundly affect intimate sexual relationships.
Your relationship with your body can be even more difficult with a spinal cord injury or a physical illness/disability. Something is lost from that relationship – either in a gradual deterioration through illness, or the sudden shock of an injury. This can be like a bereavement, grieving for your ‘old’ body in different stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You might be negotiating with your body, willing it to work, feel angry and frustrated, betrayed by it, or even alienated and cut off from your body. With all this emotion – how do you learn to love, accept or even negotiate a ceasefire with your body?
Allow yourself to feel. Just like a bereavement, grieving for loss in your body is not a straightforward process. There are ups and downs, and it is different for everyone. You may re-live the same stages over again. For example you may find yourself thinking “I can’t believe this happened to me” even years after your injury. Start by allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions you have, but try not to get stuck. If you are stuck in anger or sadness, you might need support from family, friends or a psychologist to move through.
Build a relationship with your body. You are getting to know a new body. What it can do and feel; what feels good and what is painful. Try to be open and put judgement and criticism aside. Be curious and willing to explore. You don’t need the perfect body to have good sex, but you do need some acceptance of your body to share it intimately with a partner.
Notice and change the way you speak to your body. What do you say to and about your body? If you said ‘I hate you’ or ‘You are useless’ to a friend, you could easily damage your relationship. The same applies to your body. Introduce some empathy and kindness; say ‘Thank you for trying’ or ‘I understand you are struggling’
Self-care. Be kinder towards your body, even if you have to fake the feelings at first. Treat it with tenderness; care for it as best as you can. Start with small acts of self-care; resting, exercising, or putting lotion on your hands.
Reflecting on my own journey, I have felt such disappointment with my body, I could not look at myself in the mirror or appear in photographs. A few years later, it is still tough, but I am not always at war with my body, and can utter some words of kindness and appreciation towards my body. Despite its ups and downs, we all need to start this journey by committing to and taking one step towards a better relationship with our bodies.
A friend told me this analogy – if you take a crisp new R100 bill, crumple it and throw it on the floor – has it lost its value or is it still worth R100? Your body may have been crumpled, but your value remains exactly the same.